User blog:Nathan1123/Secret Life of a Chat Mod

Hello everyone,

I am Nathan1123. My real name is Nathan. A lot of people here now know my last name too, which is ok as I don't consider my name too personal information. I am a constable on the wiki, as well as leader of the MGOC and assistant head moderator of Principia Moderni IV.

I have never written a blog before, and frankly I am not sure what I am doing. I've planned to do some sort of regular blog posts on more philosophical topics. We'll see how that goes.

For now, I want to address an issue that I had only admitted to myself very recently. As constable, one of my primary responsibilties is keeping the chat in order. As you may know, the chat can be a very chaotic and immature place periodically, and for that reason requires a heavy hand to keep it from going out of control. And for most people going in and out of chat, that's the only impression they get: a collection of trolls or wannabe users intermixed with serious timeline and map game discussion.

However, beneath the surface there is a very different story. There is a side of the regular users who live with a broken spirit. Gnawing, insatiable monsters of depression, axiety, stess, and even occasional autism persecute these people, who only open up their problems in the safty of private messages to those they trust the most. Please understand, this is not a case of loitering at all. I have seen some of the best contributors of the wiki, seemly content with life on the outside, open up their heart in PM as a fearful dark hole of insurmountable problems.

What does this have to do with me? In real life, I always maintain a principle to save anyone who is willing to come to me for help. I have no background in therapy or psychology whatsoever, but my empathetic nature and religous experience has given me a suprising amout of success. In real life, there are some people for whome I might go as far as to say they wouldn't be the same without me. That is nothing to brag about. Helping someone with a mental disorder like depression is a terrifying ordeal, especially when their survival instinct is so broken that he or she begins to hurt her or himself. Yet, I don't ever regret helping these people whatsoever, because the satisfaction of seeing someone conquer their demons is utterly irreplacable. I wouldn't have it any other way.

As constable, I take that same principle and apply it as a solemn duty to the people on chat. Whether the user has 1 edit or 10,000, I am compelled by my conscience to hear their story and get to the bottom of what monsters they currently face. There are at least half a dozen users I've personally spoken to (all solid contributers with their own timelines) who were on the brink of suicide at one time or another.

Unfortunately, I am only human, which is the point of this blog. Over time, my empathy has gained a full clinic of regular patient, for whom I medicate on a daily basis. But I can only do so much for them - so much for you - under my own power. I have my own life in and outside of the wiki to focus on. In recent times, occasionally my entire day from start to finish was filled with staying on chat coaching my current patients.

Now I know what you may be saying: "Why don't you just bloc them?" The short answer is: I don't want to. As I said, nothing gives me greater satisfaction than seeing someone conquer their demons. As long as I am aware that someone is in danger and wants my help, everything else in and out of the wiki takes lesser priority. "Then why," you may ask, "do you find this a problem?" My problem is unreasonable, but I would just wish people would no longer have issues. I would wish people could live their own lives, grow on the wiki, and be satisfied with the work they created.

"So what are you doing to address this?" I am letting everyone know now: I will not always be available to talk to. In order to take drastic measures, I am going to have to stay off chat for parts of the day on a strict schedule, and utilize the off time to work on my other responsibilites in and out of the wiki. Honestly, it may take some time before I actually adhere to it, but hopefully I can summon the courage to sign off chat for my own good, even if my clinic is not empty. For those of you I talk to on a regular basis, assuming I am able to do this, you know this is going to be difficult, but it's for the best. Please understand, I am not making light of your concerns or brushing them off in any way, I just have to balance my life. Hopefully the wisdom I passed on up until now is enough to keep you going, even when I'm not there.

Of course, it's entirely possible I am overracting to my situation. If comments are a thing in this whole blog-deal, let me know below if there are any alternative solutions I could do instead.

Yours obedient,

Nathan1123 Oh, I didn't mean to push that button! † Oh, well leave a message I guess  05:58, June 3, 2017 (UTC)