User blog comment:GunsnadGlory/Usernames/@comment-35390562-20140426010758

One day, my friend went to the store and bought all the plastic forks they had and then stuck them all in my lawn. I wanted revenge, but I didn't want to be recognized should my friend see me. Naturally, I decided to buy a gorilla suit. My plan was simple: paint his entire living room red. This ordeal would have taken longer had I not gone with a genius idea: buy seven cans of red paint and pour them into a leaf blower. Operation: Red Dawn was a go. It took place on a Tuesday. I went to his house while nobody was there and set up shop. I poured the paint down the leaf blower and fired that sucker up. Little did I know that his sister was home. I was struggling on the rip cord and swearing loudly, so the element of stealth was already blown. By the time I heard the sound of her feet upstairs, it was too late.

My first instinct was to flee. And then I remembered that I had a leaf blower filled with paint. The minute she poked her head out, I pulled on the rip cord, started the blower, and aimed it right at her. I only heard time to hear, "WHAT THE FU-" before she was blasted by a tsunami of paint. Laughing maniacally, I proceeded to blow paint around the rest of the room. Unfortunately, the plan backfired when the leaf blower overheated and lit on fire. I quickly tossed it into the street before high-tailing it out of there. I was never recognized. After a thorough police investigation, the case was closed as an eternal mystery. I was never caught. The culprit went by many keywords. Red gorilla, the paint-slinging slasher, all of them appropriate. None moreso, however, than the Crimson Assassin.

And that is how my name came to be.