Alternative History
Alwin de la Marck
Parmigianino-1483x2048
Duke of Saxe-Lochau
Reign 1533-1567
Predecessor Edmund Alwin
Successor Edmund Alwin (II)
Count of Leisnig
Reign 1504-1533
Born Wittenberg, Duchy of Saxony,
Holy Roman Empire
Died 1567
Lochau, Saxe-Lochau,
Holy Roman Empire
Issue Edmund Alwin (II)
House House of La Marck
Father Edmund Alwin
Mother Clementia of Thuringia
Religion Jungism

Alwin de la Marck (13 July 1493 - 8 August 1567) was the Count of Leisnig from 1504 until 1533 and Duke of Saxe-Lochau from 1533 until his death in 1563. A younger son of Edmund Alwin, Duke of Saxony, he was particularly notorious for his voracious sexual appetites, leading to his nickname, "the Goat of Lochau". He is said to have coined the word "libido". He was married to Elizabeth Premyslid and had only one child: a son, Edmund Alwin (born 1533).

As a young child, it was discovered that Alwin de la Marck possessed only one testicle. The later pyschoanalysist Sigismund von Jenagotha theorized that his parents' habit of feeling his balls to check whether the testicle had descended yet had an effect on him and in later life caused his extreme lust. However, Alwin was said to be already exhibiting sexual behaviour as a small child: as a baby, he was said to have bitten his mother's nipple off in excitement when she was breastfeeding him.

For his birthday, Alwin was appointed Count of Leisnig in 1504. According to a contemporary account written in 1509, "Alwin de la Marck is unusually lustful, and has decreed that all women within his county must refrain from wearing clothes... and later decreed all men must also refrain from wearing clothes." Most historians have testified this to be the truth, and between 1507 and 1533, Leisnig is considered by some to have been the first nudist colony in Germany. This tradition amongst the populace continued long after Alwin left power, and during the Forty Years War, Catholic troops which had infiltrated the County recorded that they had been attacked by a small militia of "screaming, naked Jungists... men, women and children, copulating and ejaculating as they ran lustily into battle." In 1510, Edmund Alwin wrote of his son, "Alwin has apparently been having huge sexual orgies and has retracted gonorrhea". As Alwin and his brothers grew more maniacal, Edmund Alwin grew closer to his nephew, Wencesalus de la Marck. Following the acquisition of the County of Leisnig in 1533, Alwin left the county and founded a brothel in Wittenberg, in which people could pay to have sex with him and each other while he watched or participated.

However, this state of affairs did not last long, as later that year, not long afterwards, his father died. As per tradition, the Duchy of Saxony was partitioned between the late Duke's sons, with his oldest, Wolfgang, receiving the electoral dignity and the Duchy of Saxe-Wittenberg, and with Alwin and the others each receiving a secundogeniture. Edmund Alwin's nephew and Alwin's cousin, Wenceslaus, also received part of the Duchy, becoming the Duke of Saxe-Lobnitz. Alwin was instated as the Duke of Saxe-Lochau, and continued to pursue his perverted desires.

He married Elizabeth Premyslid, a member of the Bohemian Royal Family, at the insistence of his brother Wolfgang, who hoped Elizabeth, a shy, quiet, nice, kind, compassionate and modest girl, might have a positive influence on Alwin. Elizabeth was preparing to become a nun, with the permission of her parents, when it was decided instead at the last minute that she would marry Alwin. When she arrived in Saxony, she was shocked to discover the state of affairs in Lochau. The ladies-in-waiting who had been sent with her to attend to her were sent to a brothel and her pet dog was given away to Alwin's brother, Louis de la Marck. As well as being known for having a sweet nature, however, Elizabeth was considered to be extremely ugly. Alwin unexpectedly found himself repulsed by her and unable to bed her. One day she mysteriously became pregnant, however, and gave birth to a son who was named after his alleged grandfather, Edmund Alwin. Edmund Alwin was spoilt by his mother and grew up to be a famous womanizer. He launched a failed venture into the New World which he was forced to abandon due to limited funds. With the help of his influential brother, Wolfgang, Alwin secured a bride for his son, the young, Catholic, Ottoline of the Palatinate. It would be a failed marriage and they would raise one son: the notorious Nathan, Duke of Saxe-Lochau, who would become a serial killer.

Alwin would die suddenly of an apoplectic seizure while engaged in sexual activity with a prostitute, Bela Ladowitz (whose brother happened to be the radical Catholic monk and assassin, Belarasmus Ladowitz, prompting conspiracy theories concerning a Catholic plot to kill off members of the House de la Marck, in light of the dubious circumstances surrounding the death of Alwin's brother, Louis de la Marck, in Italy a few years earlier). Alwin was succeeded by his son Edmund Alwin.

This article is part of Merveilles des Morte.